Tag: satire

School Suspended for One Month Upon Realization Average Student Hasn’t Studied Abroad in Western Europe
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School Suspended for One Month Upon Realization Average Student Hasn’t Studied Abroad in Western Europe

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ILLINOIS–After learning that the average Illinois student has not gallivanted across Western Europe with their friends while drinking as much beer and wine as possible, Governor JB Pritzker has suspended school for one month across the state of Illinois. “It’s an outrage,” cried Pritzker. “Every child deserves an opportunity to experience another culture. Especially when… Continue reading School Suspended for One Month Upon Realization Average Student Hasn’t Studied Abroad in Western Europe

Andy Reid Celebrates Super Bowl LIV Victory by Eating Vince Lombardi Trophy
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Andy Reid Celebrates Super Bowl LIV Victory by Eating Vince Lombardi Trophy

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MIAMI—In the wake of the Kansas City Chiefs’ first Super Bowl victory since 1969, head coach Andy Reid was discovered Tuesday morning consuming the Vince Lombardi Trophy, the commemorative award that each championship-winning team has proudly held before a national audience since 1967. “I couldn’t be more proud of the guys,” said Reid. “They really… Continue reading Andy Reid Celebrates Super Bowl LIV Victory by Eating Vince Lombardi Trophy

203 Subways Open Overnight
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203 Subways Open Overnight

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MACOMB—In a bizarre development, Macomb’s 203 different businesses all closed their doors and reopened as Subways, the national fast-casual sandwich chain that contains more locations than McDonalds and Starbucks combined. “Well, we looked at the analytics, and we learned that the strongest cities in the nation had robust public transportation and subway systems,” noted Macomb… Continue reading 203 Subways Open Overnight

WIU Ends Salary Freeze by Paying Everyone More Money
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WIU Ends Salary Freeze by Paying Everyone More Money

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MACOMB, IL—After new Illinois governor J.B. Pritzker allocated more Illinois taxpayer money to public universities, Western Illinois University announced that it would finally end its salary freeze by increasing every instructor’s salary to $270,528, ex-President Jack Thomas’ annual salary. “We recognize the ‘golden parachute’ referenced by The Chicago Sun Times, and we at Western are… Continue reading WIU Ends Salary Freeze by Paying Everyone More Money

Heritage Days Car Show Just 87 Different Ford F-150s
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Heritage Days Car Show Just 87 Different Ford F-150s

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MACOMB, IL—In a strange turn of events, Macomb’s annual Heritage Days Car Show contains nothing but 87 different Ford F-150s. “We don’t really know how this happened, to be honest,” said show organizer Joe Anderson, “People are supposed to bring classic cars.” The show is notorious for luring car aficionados across the county to Macomb,… Continue reading Heritage Days Car Show Just 87 Different Ford F-150s

Psst, You Want Some Deer Meat?
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Psst, You Want Some Deer Meat?

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MCDONOUGH COUNTY—To celebrate the beginning of hunting season, local high school student Hunter Scott has announced he will provide any resident of McDonough County with a stunning variety of venison. “Deer jerky’s real good,” said Scott in his sophomore English class, protruding his voice to carry over the haunting tones of his classmates attempting to… Continue reading Psst, You Want Some Deer Meat?

BREAKING NEWS: Woah, Walmart’s Closed
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BREAKING NEWS: Woah, Walmart’s Closed

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WALMART—In the early hours of Christmas morning, Macomb resident Tom Seavers noticed that Walmart, the retail superstore located at 1730 East Jackson, was closed. “I drove right by it on my way into town for church,” said Seavers. “There wasn’t a single damn car there. I can’t believe it.” A Christian holiday, Christmas was brought… Continue reading BREAKING NEWS: Woah, Walmart’s Closed

Los Angeles Chargers to Relocate to Macomb, IL
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Los Angeles Chargers to Relocate to Macomb, IL

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For the first time since the struggling Rams held their summer training camps at WIU, the NFL will be back in Macomb. The Los Angeles Chargers will officially relocate to Macomb, IL before the 2021 season as part of an effort to have any sort of identity at all.  The Chargers currently play at Dignity… Continue reading Los Angeles Chargers to Relocate to Macomb, IL

Macomb Renamed, to be Called “The People’s Republic of China”
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Macomb Renamed, to be Called “The People’s Republic of China”

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In an effort to express its solidarity with other Illinois towns, Macomb Mayor Mike Inman announced that as of January 1st, 2020, Macomb will be known as “The People’s Republic of China.” The move follows a historic tradition of Illinois nomenclature, joining a list of towns that have named their place of residence after the… Continue reading Macomb Renamed, to be Called “The People’s Republic of China”